This has definitely been the greatest and hardest time in my life. I honestly have never felt emotions like these before. I can't even believe how much love I feel for Logan. I want him to achieve all his dreams in life. I want to protect him from the world and from any harm or danger. I want him to love me forever and consider me a best friend. I want to teach him and help him to learn for himself. I want him to always remember what is most important in life and to never lose sight of his end goals. I could go on and on, but basically I just want him to be happy. The happiest of all happy things. I don't even like to think about the "what if's" because I know that things will get hard. I know that I won't always be his favorite person, and that he'll have to make hard choices and maybe even suffer through some stuff. I'm sure it will break my heart to see him sad and upset. That being said, I want to not let that trouble me. Right now, I want to be in this moment. I am going to just soak in all of his quirks and smiles. His funny sounds and squishy baby rolls. Because just like everyone said, it goes by way too fast. Already, I feel like the days fly by. It's so weird. It's like all I think about is when he needs to eat again and when he needs to nap and then all of a sudden, the day is over. Another day gone. I feel so extremely grateful though, that I get to be here with him every day. That I have a husband who wants me here as much as I want to be here and who works his bum off to make sure that happens. Gosh I have so much to be grateful for. I really do.
With that being said, I have to get real here for a sec. Being a mother is not all rainbows and butterflies. It's flipping hard. Sometimes I cry for no reason. Other times I get ridiculously angry over nothing at all. There are times when I pray that I will get to sleep just a little bit longer at night so that I can actually function the next day. I sometimes wish that I could have a break and think that it would be so nice to have a little bit of freedom. I have to remind myself that this doesn't end, and it is literally a "24/7" job. I sometimes find myself being envious of Dallin. He gets to go to work and school and I stay home and do more dishes and more cleaning and change more diapers. There are moments when I really struggle to figure out what Logan needs and his cries make my heart break. Then there is that whole post pregnancy body thing. Ugh. I just really feel uncomfortable in my body right now. I don't know what it is. I feel pudgy and gross. (It doesn't help that I don't shower every day haha) I also have newly found curves in a few areas that I've never had curves before. Basically, life just changed A LOT.
|Sweetest sad face!|
Ok so now that I've had my pity party, I will chill out. Because honestly, I have never been happier. As I'm writing this post, Logan is just sleeping in my lap. He's sort of snoring and making the cutest faces in his sleep. I look at him and everything is worth it. The tears and the lack of sleep don't mean anything. I have this beautiful, healthy baby boy and my heart might actually burst. I love Dallin more than ever. Just watching him be a Daddy is one of the greatest things of my life. I love Logan more than I thought possible. I have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. I know that God intended for us to have families. There is nothing greater. I have an eternal family. It's amazing. I may have hard days every now and then, but honestly, they just disappear into all of the good days.
Already this little has brought so much happiness into our lives. There is something crazy magical how his smile can simply melt my whole being. I think I would do just about anything to see that cheesy grin come on his face! Being a mom is what I was meant to do. I know it. I can't wait to keep going on this crazy adventure!
|Smiling at Mama!|
Thanks for making me a mother, Logy Bear!